I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's shark week go big or go home
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
