my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize