I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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