Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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