I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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