Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
