A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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