did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
