it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize