Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize