I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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