To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
