My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
