I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
