You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
