I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
