I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
