you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
