Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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