I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
