Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize