hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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