i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He did a backflip because drugs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
