trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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