Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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