Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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