Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
