I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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