I just cut my nipple shaving
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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