I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
