I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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