So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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