what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
