You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
