I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
