My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
