I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
