the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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