Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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