The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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