if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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