1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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