If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
