i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
