i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
