we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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