I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
