Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
