Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
