and you said cock pushups were impossible
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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