so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
