Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
