just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So drunk its hurt
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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