I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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