I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have grass duct taped all over my body
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize