i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
