i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
