absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
