I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
